Olbermann & O’Reilly: Secret Lovers

After much speculation, Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly have finally revealed that they are madly in love and are ready to begin an open and public relationship. The couple made their announcement outside of O’Reilly’s home in Manhasset, New York, to a swarm of anxious reporters. Recent photographs have shown both men entering each other’s houses, often staying for extended periods of time. The news of this relationship originally came as a shock to the news media community, as Olbermann and O’Reilly appeared to be mortal enemies. However, Olbermann revealed that they each secretly harbored romantic feelings for the other. “He called me a pinhead; I called him the ‘Worst Person in the World.’ But both of us were just playing hard-to-get.”
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The Army totally wants me.

After much consideration, I have decided to join the military. I’ve decided to forgo college life for now so that I may serve my country in the best way possible. Granted, I didn’t graduate from the academies at West Point, Annapolis, or New London. Neither did I receive an MPA from Harvard or Princeton. I don’t have a single award or decoration remotely related to the military. I can’t run two miles in 13min 40 sec. I can’t do 100 sit-ups in 2 minutes. I can’t even do 68 push-ups in 2 minutes. I have absolutely no experience with any kind of advanced weaponry. I can’t survive in armed combat whatsoever. The one time I ever went paintballing, it only took a shot in the forearm to make me quit for the rest of the day. Heck, I’ve never even played Halo, Call of Duty, Counterstrike, Medal of Honor, or even Donkey Kong 64. I’m near-sighted, which I guess will probably be an issue. Plus I probably lack the firm resolve of an actual soldier. So, if anyone is concerned about my decision, they have no need to be. Due to current conditions in US military policy, all the feats and achievements that I’ve previously mentioned might just be unnecessary. Apparently, the one surefire way to stay in the military is to not be gay. That’s right, I have a better chance at serving a longer army career than the actual West Point cadet that actually ran 2 miles in 13:40, did 100 sit-ups in 2 min, and 68 push-ups in the same time. She (that’s right, she) can’t serve because she’s gay, but I’m not. So I guess I can join, right?

Nothing gay here.