Teddy motherfucking Roosevelt isn’t even on this list.

Plus Lance Armstrong must’ve taken some serious PEDs to finish a spot ahead of “the greatest thing that ever lived.”

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Me and the Gold Cup Final

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a big soccer fan/nerd.
For those of you who don’t know, last Sunday was the CONCACAF Gold Cup Final between the US and Mexico. (Yes, it’s taken me a week to get over it.)

Anyway, rather than just sit down and watch the game, I decided to livetweet from my couch.
I thought that it would be fun to offer live commentary on the internets while the US team pummeled Mexico into the ground. Unfortunately, this was not the case. If you look carefully, you might just be able to spot my collapse into the depths of despair. (yeah!)

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And the game begins…
3′: What’s with the soft touches Freddy? #goldcupfinal #USMNT
Freddy Adu (Yes, that Freddy Adu) Read more of this post

America 1, Canada 0

It’s official. The United States of America has officially struck a blow against our dreaded neighbor of the North. We’ve finally taken a stand after Canada has invaded our land and reaped innumerable success. Mike Meyers, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Steve Nash… But no more! While it is only a water bottle hurled at singing hairball Justin Bieber, I think we’ve made serious progress. Now all we need is a publicly-funded Aqua Projectile Defense Force. Get on that, President Obama!