Are you okay?

Today was …  today. I’ll let Patton handle the next part.

Boston. Fucking horrible.

I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, “Well, I’ve had it with humanity.”

But I was wrong. I don’t know what’s going to be revealed to be behind all of this mayhem. One human insect or a poisonous mass of broken sociopaths.

But here’s what I DO know. If it’s one person or a HUNDRED people, that number is not even a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a percent of the population on this planet. You watch the videos of the carnage and there are people running TOWARDS the destruction to help out. (Thanks FAKE Gallery founder and owner Paul Kozlowski for pointing this out to me). This is a giant planet and we’re lucky to live on it but there are prices and penalties incurred for the daily miracle of existence. One of them is, every once in awhile, the wiring of a tiny sliver of the species gets snarled and they’re pointed towards darkness.

But the vast majority stands against that darkness and, like white blood cells attacking a virus, they dilute and weaken and eventually wash away the evil doers and, more importantly, the damage they wreak. This is beyond religion or creed or nation. We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We’d have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, “The good outnumber you, and we always will.”

– Patton Oswalt

People are great. Assholes are the exception, not the rule. Everyday, I see someone acting like a turd and think, “What an asshole!” But at the end of the day, I can never fathom any of those people committing what was done this afternoon. Whoever’s responsible for the tragedy in Boston is truly the lowest thing the we, the human race, can ever produce. But the rest of us are pretty cool.

“The reason I don’t worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I’ll take those odds every fucking day.”

– Jon Stewart

 

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The Big Dog vs The Heckler

Bill Clinton took on a heckler on the campaign trail. In 1992… which is also the year I was born…

Anyway, the man knows how to work a crowd, and he’s done it for a very long time. The way he takes the mic out and moves the mic stand just screams, “I’ve done this before, motherfucker. Get ready – ‘cuz I’m about to UNLOAD on you.” #ProMove #HashtaggingOutsideOfTwitter #BlogDouche

Campaigns are tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky…

(via esus4)

I think Bill Clinton made passionate love to America last night. As a writer-performer (Yeah– I’m well aware that I sound like an asshole), the man absolutely DESTROYED. He went into hardcore statistics and policy wonkery, and that crowd was still in the palm of his hand. 48 minutes long; I hardly notice. I think Bill Clinton Talks into a Microphone is my favorite new show.

Remember this?: “Who Made Huckabee?”

During the 2007-08 Writers Guild strike, guys like Conan O’Brien, Jon Stewart, and Stephen Colbert were left alone in the offices without much to do. Although they have writing credits on their respective shows, because of their overriding Executive Producer credits, they were still contractually obligated to make a show. They couldn’t join their writers on the picket line. So, with a crap ton of time on their hands, these guys decided to start a feud over who gave then Republican candidate Mike Huckabee a popularity boost. Colbert went to The Daily Show to plot with Stewart, only to have Conan interrupt to issue an ultimatum of ass-whoopings. Conan and Jon patiently waited for Colbert to finish his Report. This was the final encounter at the Late Night studio. 11:00, 11:30, 12:30 — It’s cross-network mayhem!

3:44 takes the cake for me. There’s nothing like three grown men, dancing around like morons.

Geraldo Rivera’s a douche. (And other thoughts.)


Geraldo’s hoodie argument is bullshit, even if he did specifically warn Black and Latino kids. A kid was murdered. Don’t blame it on the clothes he was wearing.

I had a joke about how I don’t wear hoodies to seem less threatening. (Haha! I’m not a threatening person to begin with!) Geraldo took that joke away from me. Fuckin’ asshole.

My secret love affair with Newt Gingrich

For no reason at all, here’s a picture of me with Callista Gingrich’s hair.

♪ Yeah! Uh-huh! And I will haunt your dreams. ♪

Baby look pretty now, Mama???

Deck out your own head at Buzzfeed. Hurry before Newt Gingrich finds another wife.

Okay, now it’s 100% Annoying


Okay, I mentioned this before, but The Huffington Post kind of irks me for putting up stupid things on its front page when trying to look like a legitimate media outlet. I thought seeing a headline about LeBron James’ ex-girlfriend hovering over one about our Congress was the worst it would every get. Seriously, HuffPo — what the hell is this?! ——>

Is this what you do when you’re not paying the people that generate your content. First off, if guys wanted to look an pictures of naked ladies, they’d go to a porn website. There’s really no need to beat around the bush (no pun intended, I’m fuckin’ serious). Second, “How To Have An Affair (And Stay Married)”? If your gonna dish out irresponsible advice, why not put up an article about how crystal meth will help people finish that novel they’ve been working on for 8 years?! And the article’s not even helping people cheat! It’s just some writer hocking her relationship blog.

HuffPo, you’ve really dropped the ball lately. I’d be more disappointed, but I’m a comedian. It’s things like you that keep me creatively employed. But honestly, you’re being awful. Stop it.

Oh, by the way, I heard the editor of your Comedy section was looking for interns. I sent her an email. Do you know if she read it?

99% Annoying

I found myself on The Huffington Post front page and happened across this little gem. I was also bored, so I took a screenshot to show all of you.
I’m also bored now, so I’ll tell you everything that’s wrong with this.

Web journalism at it's finest.


1. I get it HuffPo (we’re on a nickname basis), you hate the 1% a lot for an organization that got $315 million from AOL, and whose contributors mostly work for free. But if you want readers to hate the super rich, don’t post up a headline about a billionaire making a charitable donation.
2. If you want to post a picture of a rich person stealing money, make sure it’s actually a rich person! How many rich people wearing white gloves and vests have you seen lately? I’m pretty sure that’s a butler slipping away a Benjamin. I’m actually cool with that— I’m imagining it’s Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
3. Are these people unemployed? Where are they standing in line? Are they handing out jobs at the airport or something?
4. The Careers section of the Huffington Post isn’t the classifieds. It’s got a bunch of news stories about the job market. You know, the one that’s in the tank? Now, I’m no expert in economics or labor, but I’m pretty sure unemployed people don’t want to read about how impossible it is to get a job.

Believe it or not, I actually like The Huffington Post, but it’s gotten really annoying over the past few years. And I don’t know what’s worse, seeing a story about LeBron James’ ex-girlfriend on the front page, or reading the comments left by the snotty-self-indulgent-unfunny-Stewart-Maher-wannabes that spend too much time on one website.*

*Unlike the lovely folks over at WordPress.

How I feel about Sarah Palin 90% of the time.


And who says Jon Stewart isn’t a good actor?

The only known photo of bin Laden’s killer.


Anderson Cooper. FUCK YEAH!