The London XXX Olympixiad

I there’s one thing I don’t like about the Olympics, it’s that they’re in too high a definition. I don’t want to see things clearly! I only want my quadrennial sporting events seen in 16 pixels at the very most.

Sandro Rosell… is an idiot.

FC Barcelona had this to say about one Real Madrid player: “Cristiano Ronaldo is not the second best player in the world, he is the 12th. The first 11 are the Barcelona players…” (The Guardian)

So… the 11 best players in the world… with… amazing team chemistry… couldn’t win a league championship… or beat Chelsea at home.

I’m a Madrid fan, by the way. But I think I wouldn’t like Sandro Rosell anyway.

Buried in Timbers Green and Gold

This is the Timbers Army kicking off their first home game of the 2012 season. They can handle the anthem. They don’t need no stinking pop star.

I’m a New York Red Bulls fan, first and foremost. But I hope to be counted among the Timbers Army. They’re one of the finest supporters’ group I’ve ever seen, both here and abroad. The Portland Timbers sell out every single home game. Any time someone says that no one cares about soccer in the USA, I direct them to the Timbers Army. Of course, that someone might have to answer to her, or him, or him, or her, or them, or her, or him, or her, or him, or this guy, or them, or them, or everyone else. Or maybe even Portland’s mascot, Timber Joey.
This wasn’t a one time thing either. They started last season this way, too.

US Soccer is here. Don’t tread on this.

Me and the Gold Cup Final

For those of you who don’t know, I’m a big soccer fan/nerd.
For those of you who don’t know, last Sunday was the CONCACAF Gold Cup Final between the US and Mexico. (Yes, it’s taken me a week to get over it.)

Anyway, rather than just sit down and watch the game, I decided to livetweet from my couch.
I thought that it would be fun to offer live commentary on the internets while the US team pummeled Mexico into the ground. Unfortunately, this was not the case. If you look carefully, you might just be able to spot my collapse into the depths of despair. (yeah!)

And the game begins…
3′: What’s with the soft touches Freddy? #goldcupfinal #USMNT
Freddy Adu (Yes, that Freddy Adu) Continue reading “Me and the Gold Cup Final”

To take me down a peg.

I haven’t hinted at it before, but I’m quite the soccer nerd. Not that good of a player, but I know stats and scores like the best of them.

Anyway, I noticed that in 4 year’s time, I’ve become a fairly capable player. Technically sound, comfortable on the ball, confident enough to finish a play. In light of my apparent improvement, I decided to reward myself with a new pair of cleats.

Cheap and classy... just like me!

Unfortunately, I now feel inadequate from watching this video.

The future Albicelestor in the video is Benjamín Agüero, son of Atlético Madrid striker Sergio Agüero. He also happens to be football legend Diego Maradona’s grandson — talent seems to be hereditary.

So no matter how much I practice, I’ll never be better than this little boy. Did I mention that he’s turning 2 years old in February? Learn to use your other foot, little man, then you’ll one-up your grandpa.

Revamp our video games. Part 2

Last time, I went over some suggestions on video games for some of America’s biggest pastimes: Baseball, Basketball, and making fat people Football. This time around, I’m offering some ideas for video games for sports that aren’t as popular in America as the Big Three. I think we need to tap these markets if America wants to undeniably dominate sports video gaming.

Soccer is a sport of passion, and to emulate the many emotions of the beautiful game, in-game players will portray the exact mannerisms of their real-life likenesses. From the sluggish roundness of Wayne Rooney to the immature foul mouth of Nicolas Anelka, gamers will finally get to experience their favorite players first hand (and become extremely annoyed shortly after.) Plus, the latest developments in graphics technology now allow players a fuller visual experience of greasy douchebags like Cristiano Ronaldo and… the entire Italian national team. Continue reading “Revamp our video games. Part 2”

Revamp our video games.

I think that today’s sports video games lack the authenticity of the real professional game. Therefore, I suggest that sports video games should really capture the realism of the professional athletic life. So no more making a custom player that looks like you and maxing out all of his stats in order to be a “big money baller” every single game. It’s time to revamp our sports games for the future!

Here’s a few suggestions for some of the most popular franchises:

To give the game a more realistic player experience, the overall course of a career could be influenced by the simple characteristics of a custom player. If a player is from Japan, he would have an upper middle class childhood, work his way from high school to pro-ball, then land straight into the Major Leagues with his very own interpreter. Dominican players will grow up poverty-stricken using a dried wad of chewing gum as a ball, scrape a meager existence as a local professional, and will be dropped into the US Minor Leagues barely speaking English.
A new feature, once a player is in the Majors he gets to play fun new minigames like “Quick Prick”, where gamers get to interactively inject all of the performance enhancing drugs missing from virtual baseball. Watch out for “DL… Like Hell!”, a reflex challenge where your player has to avoid all of the stupid injuries that land real players on the real disabled list. Don’t sprain your arm while putting on a shirt!

Continue reading “Revamp our video games.”