Teddy motherfucking Roosevelt isn’t even on this list.

Plus Lance Armstrong must’ve taken some serious PEDs to finish a spot ahead of “the greatest thing that ever lived.”

chappy blue jeer!

Goals for the 2015:

  • Punch the sky.
  • Re-discover America.
  • Remind everyone about pasta.
  • get a job (heheheโ€ฆ)
  • Befriend Kermit the Frog.
  • Open a designer toothpick emporium.
  • Keep telling my shitty jokes in front of people.
  • Lower my jackassery
  • Become Vice Pope.
  • Amend the rules of baseball.