My Bucket List

It’s taken a really long time, but I think I’ve finally managed to finish my bucket list. I’m only 19-and-three-quarters, but this is all I want. From now on, I’m gonna try to follow this list and live my life without any regrets. I hope this list can be an inspiration for you.

1.The Rubbermaid #2963-TP BISQ 11QT (A classic starter bucket.)
2. The Way Clean 33066
3. The Hydrofarm HG5G 5-Gallon (Hydrofoam’s an innovative material, you know!)
4. The Nest & Stack
5. A set of Minimetalleimer (You can’t beat German Bauhaus-style design.)
6. The Rubbermaid 14Qt Bisque 2989-00
7. The popular Småsandoch-vatten (The best Scandinavian design after IKEA.)
8. The 3.5 Gallon Black (w/ lid.)
9. A Dover Parkersburg 4Qt 4GP
10. The Oggi Galaxy Stainless Steel Satin (They had me at Steel Satin!)
11. The US Acrylic Round Double Layer
12. The Caphalon 8323-6 (Barware Edition)
13. A Casabella Graphite 4-G
14. A set of Hortense B. Hewitt Wedding Favor Holders (For when I retire to do pro bono wedding planning.)
15. The Elegance Hammered 6-Inch (with Tongs, of course)
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Look at my balls.

I get bored. And when I get bored, I do some pretty weird things.
I get productively unproductive. Ha — See what I did there!?!?
So I end up doing stuff like making rubber band balls.
Exhibit A:

This one has a paper core.

Exhibit B:

This one’s got an aluminum foil core. It’s smaller because the foil packs in better than paper.
Oh yeah, I’m cool.

Exhibit C:

Now this is a respectable motherfuckin’ rubber band ball. I made it the summer before I started college, with all the free time in the WORLD. I made the other two ‘cuz I realized that the big one’s to hefty to be bouncing around an apartment.

Thanks for also being bored. I’m not apologizing this time if you were looking for porn. You should’ve known by now.

Sunday Funday

It’s Sunday. It’s the “day of the Lawrd,” as my 2nd grade (very Irish) teacher-nun would say. (Catholic school’s fun, guys. You should try it.) Anyway, I’ve been trying to get work done for most of the day. I need to finish JFK’s A Nation of Immigrants, write an essay for a Creative Writing course, and compose an essay for my Japanese class. (College is fun, guys. You should try it.) But this soccer game’s been just… so… exciting. That, and I’m kind of a lazy fuck.

To paint a better picture, at this moment Real Madrid’s up 3-2 against Levante. 64th minute. Arouna Koné just pulled one back for the visitors, right after Cristiano Ronaldo capped off a hat trick with (wait for it) a tomahawk of a homing laser strike that descended with the velocity of a blazing meteor and left a poleaxed ‘keeper lying on his back to petition the heavens for mercy! Did you like that? I’m submitting this post for the Most Outrageous Hyperbole in Sports Writing Award.
[ed: As I was writing that stuff above, Karim Benzema bent a gorgeous ball into the goal. 4-2. Hooray!]

(Translation: I’m a lazy fuck who likes soccer and is minoring in Creative Writing.)

Still not getting any work done. So…

Boredom Picture Time!!!:

I don’t like wearing hats. But it gets cold in NYC, so I gave in. This is one hat I own. I normally don’t wear it. But…

… hey! It’s reversible! And purple!

This hat, I like. It just has the best fit, so it’s the one seeing the light of day the most often.

It’s not reversible, though. Sad face.

Jesus — This one’s just fuckin’ ridiculous. It belongs on a man who’s 2x bigger and who’s served 2x more prison sentences than me.

Plus, it’s not even reversible. Bull…shit.

But I keep it around ‘cuz it can do this.

Thank you for reading, Person. And I’m sorry if you were looking for porn.