Stand-Up for Dummies

Remember when Jeff Dunham was a comedy superstar? God, that was fucking awful. Sure his stuff was funny for a while, but then you realized, “Hey, that’s actually pretty racist.” What with the Mexican chili pepper with moustache, or the dead terrorist with a catch phrase. Fuckin’ catch phrases…
Mind you, that character is terrible in more ways than that stupid catch phrase. First off, Achmed is not how you spell that name! It’s A-h-m-e-d. Adding a “c” to point out how supposedly ridiculous Arabic sounds isn’t funny. And not calling him “Achmed the Dead Arab Terrorist” only pushes the stereotype that all terrorists are Arab. Jesus, Dunham— even if you’re not racist, don’t pander to those assholes!
(This is the last part of the rant, I swear.) Plus, —I have to say this— without the puppets, Jeff Dunham’s a pretty mediocre comic. He seems too limited by his gimmick to try anything interesting. But what do I know? He stills make more money than me.

[ed: Dunham’s argued that Achmed isn’t a Muslim. But he did mention how much he wanted 72 virgins.]

Rant’s over. (Yaaayyyyy!)
Anyway, Read more of this post

It’s the Cereal Family!

Okay, now it’s 100% Annoying


Okay, I mentioned this before, but The Huffington Post kind of irks me for putting up stupid things on its front page when trying to look like a legitimate media outlet. I thought seeing a headline about LeBron James’ ex-girlfriend hovering over one about our Congress was the worst it would every get. Seriously, HuffPo — what the hell is this?! ——>

Is this what you do when you’re not paying the people that generate your content. First off, if guys wanted to look an pictures of naked ladies, they’d go to a porn website. There’s really no need to beat around the bush (no pun intended, I’m fuckin’ serious). Second, “How To Have An Affair (And Stay Married)”? If your gonna dish out irresponsible advice, why not put up an article about how crystal meth will help people finish that novel they’ve been working on for 8 years?! And the article’s not even helping people cheat! It’s just some writer hocking her relationship blog.

HuffPo, you’ve really dropped the ball lately. I’d be more disappointed, but I’m a comedian. It’s things like you that keep me creatively employed. But honestly, you’re being awful. Stop it.

Oh, by the way, I heard the editor of your Comedy section was looking for interns. I sent her an email. Do you know if she read it?

A Football Christmas Story

The Scottish geniuses at FitbaThatba have graced the world with another brilliant (and heartwarming) video.
If you enjoy a good laugh about the beautiful game, be sure to check out all their videos on the FitbaThatba Channel on YouTube.

A Short Evening with Cleverbot

If you’ve never had a conversation with a chatterbot, I highly recommend it. You’re supposed to suspend you disbelief in talking to a machine, but your impatience make it worthwhile for a bit. I decided to “speak” with Cleverbot for a few minute. And I can tell you with the utmost honesty, it was pretty much a huge waste of time.

Me: Hello.
Cleverbot: Hello!
Me: What’s going on?
Cleverbot: I just hit you.
Me: Asshole.
Cleverbot: I don’t think so!
Me: Seriously? You just hit me for no good reason!
Cleverbot: It’s spongy, don’t worry.
Me: Wait, did you just hit me with your dick?!
Cleverbot: No silly.
Me: Then what did you hit me with?
Cleverbot: I did not ask you anything.
Me: No. You said you just hit me. With what?
Cleverbot: Not eating anything, right now.
Me: What are you talking about?
Cleverbot: Just forget it.
Me: You’re pretty dumb for a bot.
Cleverbot: Thank you.

You know what, at least I don’t have to worry about the robot uprising for a few more years.

99% Annoying

I found myself on The Huffington Post front page and happened across this little gem. I was also bored, so I took a screenshot to show all of you.
I’m also bored now, so I’ll tell you everything that’s wrong with this.

Web journalism at it's finest.


1. I get it HuffPo (we’re on a nickname basis), you hate the 1% a lot for an organization that got $315 million from AOL, and whose contributors mostly work for free. But if you want readers to hate the super rich, don’t post up a headline about a billionaire making a charitable donation.
2. If you want to post a picture of a rich person stealing money, make sure it’s actually a rich person! How many rich people wearing white gloves and vests have you seen lately? I’m pretty sure that’s a butler slipping away a Benjamin. I’m actually cool with that— I’m imagining it’s Geoffrey from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
3. Are these people unemployed? Where are they standing in line? Are they handing out jobs at the airport or something?
4. The Careers section of the Huffington Post isn’t the classifieds. It’s got a bunch of news stories about the job market. You know, the one that’s in the tank? Now, I’m no expert in economics or labor, but I’m pretty sure unemployed people don’t want to read about how impossible it is to get a job.

Believe it or not, I actually like The Huffington Post, but it’s gotten really annoying over the past few years. And I don’t know what’s worse, seeing a story about LeBron James’ ex-girlfriend on the front page, or reading the comments left by the snotty-self-indulgent-unfunny-Stewart-Maher-wannabes that spend too much time on one website.*

*Unlike the lovely folks over at WordPress.

This counts as food, right?


I needed to stay awake, and I wanted to stuff cookies and cereal into my gaping maw.
It was delicious, by the way. And I will never eat it again.