Republican Party: “Now what?”

This past election day, the Republican Party made significant gains in the Congressional elections. As it stands, the GOP took 6 seats in the Senate and 64 seats in the House. This victory has shifted the ratio in the Republicans’ favor, giving them the House majority for the next two years. Victories parties were held nationwide (and on Fox News) as more states and districts turned Red. However, now that the victory parties have officially ended, congressional Republicans are unaware as to what they’re supposed to do. Even likely Speaker of the House John Boehner (OH) isn’t exactly sure what to do next? “I haven’t got the slightest idea,” he said, “I was kinda hoping that we could just celebrate for a little while longer. I mean, this is pretty momentous. I could become the first Orange-American Speaker in history!” Boehner continued, “All we’ve been doing for the past two years is shooting down whatever the Democrats wanted. But now that we’re expected to actually do something, we’re feeling a little unprepared.” Rep. Boehner has since put out a flyer on the Congressional bulletin board asking for any write-in suggestions.

Several Republicans have offered their own ideas. Eric Cantor (VA) suggested reversing all of the policies Democrats created. The former Minority Whip said, “We’ve been saying ‘No’ for two years, so reversing is like, the ultimate No.” Pete Sessions (TX) offered legislation taxing the poor — “just to see if it would happen,” he said. Being a little more forward thinking, Michele Bachmann (MN) suggested “Mandatory Bible Camps” for all children in America. Rep. Bachmann was positive that 135% of real Americans would support this legislation. In spite of all these suggestions, though, House Republicans still don’t have a set plan. “We have no clue what we’re doing,” said John Boehner, “Seriously, we need all the help we can get. We’re not used to this sort of responsibility.”

Senate Republicans, however, are not as worried about their prospects for the next two years. “We’re still outnumbered,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (KY), “but it’s the Senate. Procedural rules are pretty stupid, so we’ll still have influence over policy. Besides, we’ll probably just lose the next election anyway. I mean, Obama really has to fuck up for voters to stop liking him.”