After much speculation, Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly have finally revealed that they are madly in love and are ready to begin an open and public relationship. The couple made their announcement outside of O’Reilly’s home in Manhasset, New York, to a swarm of anxious reporters. Recent photographs have shown both men entering each other’s houses, often staying for extended periods of time. The news of this relationship originally came as a shock to the news media community, as Olbermann and O’Reilly appeared to be mortal enemies. However, Olbermann revealed that they each secretly harbored romantic feelings for the other. “He called me a pinhead; I called him the ‘Worst Person in the World.’ But both of us were just playing hard-to-get.”
“I didn’t know what was really going on,” said Fox News pundit Sean Hannity, “Bill told me he was just breaking into Olbermann’s house to mess with his stuff.” Hannity offered no further comment, as he was on his way to his part-time job as a Fred Flinstone impersonator. Fox News regular and banshee queen Laura Ingraham said, “I can’t believe that I actually dated Olbermann. To be honest, I knew that he was secretly after Bill. So… this means that they’re gay right? ‘Cuz if they are, I can hate them now, right?” MSNBC host Rachel Maddow offered to comment. “This is pretty weird. I used to be the only openly-gay pundit. What am I supposed to do now? I guess I’ll just have to be the pundit who’s really smart and respects her guests’ humanity. That’s still kinda lame, though.” When asked to comment, fellow MSNBC host Chris Matthew was left incapable due to his uncontrollable weeping.
Sources have suggested the possibility of Keith Olbermann and Bill O’Reilly (or KOBO as they have been called) being News Media’s first ever “Power Couple”. Each man supposedly now has access to his partner’s news organization, which players on both networks are dreading. People at MSNBC worry that O’Reilly might infect their programming with the “conservative virus”, and people at Fox News worry about Olbermann infecting their network with “actual facts”. O’Reilly has cleared that air surrounding the issue, saying, “We don’t really want to take over the networks as a two-headed entity threatening opponents with the disclosure of classified information. We’re just two guys who want to have fun. Just don’t fuck with us, I mean it!” “Our relationship is really based on our similarities rather than our differences,” said Olbermann, “We first hit it off while watching CNN at a bar in Manhattan. We were sitting at opposite ends of the bar, but when Anderson Cooper 360° came on, we both heard each other screaming ‘I fuckin’ hate that guy!’ ” It felt like I was meeting my soulmate for the first time.
JUAN ESCALANTE 