United Nations: International Douchebag Convention

All eyes watched as the great leaders of the world descended upon the sleepy little village known to locals as Man-hatt-an for The 65th United Nations General Assembly. The event commenced on September 23, 2010 and concluded the following week. The highlight of early proceedings had been the General Debate, where presentations were given by each of the delegations from around the world. This year’s conference provided foreign dignitaries such as Pres. Barack Obama (USA), Deputy PM Nicholas Clegg (UK), and Pres. Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf (Liberia) the opportunity to give impassioned speeches calling upon all nations to cooperate in order to ensure amiable and peaceful international relations for years to come. However, the UN General Debate also offers a platform for some of the world’s most powerful assholes.

The international douchebaggery kicked-off during the afternoon session, when Iranian “President” Mahmoud Ahmadinejad set the dickhead bar high by suggesting that the United States government orchestrated the attacks on Sept. 11 to ease economic pressure. To bring some consistency to his rhetoric, Ahmadinejad also said that the attacks were planned to justify a US presence in the Middle East, all in order to protect the “Zionist regime” of Israel. His beady little eyes looked ablaze as he gave his verbal shitstorm from the podium (while standing on the stepstool provided for him.) In a later interview, Ahmadinejad said, “I’m not that great of a great public speaker, but I know what I’m good at. I just play to my strengths: hating America and hating the Jews.” “Classic Mahmoud,” said Zimbabwean “President” and fellow asshole Robert Mugabe, “It’s good to see him try new things, but he always knows when to bring out his big guns. He didn’t even need to deny the Holocaust this time!”

Not to be outdone, “Pres.” Mugabe brought a bit of self-serving dickishness to the table the following day. By advising developing countries not to take foreign humanitarian assistance, Mugabe skillfully dodged any criticism of his refusal of aid for the impoverished people of Zimbabwe. Instead, he played to his fans and blamed “the West” like always. Mugabe used his rhetorical skill to blame the western governments for “illegal sanctions” place on his country. Mugabe remarked “What they’re doing is not fair. These sanctions prevent me from sending my wife on huge shopping sprees in Europe.” To cap off his ego-bation, he accused the West for imposing regime change in Zimbabwe, saying, “These illegal sanctions have caused untold suffering among Zimbabweans, who alone should be the deciders of regime change.” This is a true mark of greatness for Robert Mugabe; only a master bullshitter can willfully ignore election fraud. Even after 30 years as “president”, Mugabe proved that he has become an even bigger dickhead then the day he was “elected”.

After such a display of overwhelming prickery, dignitaries from smaller countries realized that they were playing in the big leagues of international asstards. “With douchebags like Ahmadinejad and Mugabe around, the rest of use really have to step up our game,” said Congolese President and aspiring jag-off Joseph Kabila, “I mean, I thought I was special ‘cuz I’ve killed people. But but those two fuckfaces just work on another level!” UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon expressed his dismay over the incident, “Don’t those douchenozzles know what they’re doing?! Now all the other assclowns will want to talk bullshit for an hour. No wonder those two jackasses have to steal their elections!” When questioned about the ruckus, US President Barack Obama said, “I really don’t mind when those guys talk garbage. Watching those assholes spit hatespeech and other mindless crap reminds me of my government colleagues back home.”

I'm such an asshole! Everybody listen to me!

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