Last time, I went over some suggestions on video games for some of America’s biggest pastimes: Baseball, Basketball, and making fat people Football. This time around, I’m offering some ideas for video games for sports that aren’t as popular in America as the Big Three. I think we need to tap these markets if America wants to undeniably dominate sports video gaming.
Soccer
Soccer is a sport of passion, and to emulate the many emotions of the beautiful game, in-game players will portray the exact mannerisms of their real-life likenesses. From the sluggish roundness of Wayne Rooney to the immature foul mouth of Nicolas Anelka, gamers will finally get to experience their favorite players first hand (and become extremely annoyed shortly after.) Plus, the latest developments in graphics technology now allow players a fuller visual experience of greasy douchebags like Cristiano Ronaldo and… the entire Italian national team.
Now down to the nitty-gritty gameplay aspects. While the latest Pro Evolution Soccer titles already let the gamer dive while playing, future titles will allow the gamer to score achievement points on dives based on difficulty, execution, and ability to fool the referee. Speaking of referees, titles will feature a “Special Referee Mode.” This feature will add more incentive for gamers to score even more goals, lest their goals be disallowed, their key players unfairly sent off, or their opponents score while ten yards offside. Last but not least, what would a modern soccer video game be complete without the loud droning of 2000 vuvuzelas every single game!
Golf
Alright, golf is not a sport. Anything that involves wearing slacks shouldn’t be considered physical activity. Instead, golf gaming should take Tiger Woods’ example and focus on the true purpose of golf, getting lots of tail. That’s why I’m introducing the future of golf video games: Tiger Woods PGA Tour. (Obviously, PGA stands for “P****y Gathering Adventure”. What’s more fun than an adventure?!) Players will finally get to experience the life of golf’s most famous player. From landing humongous sponsorships, to marrying a gorgeous Swedish supermodel, to raising a family with said gorgeous supermodel, to having a minor car accident. Oh yeah, they’ll also get to cheat on their virtual (supermodel) wives with countless virtual strippers and waitresses. Plus, players will get to do all of that without actually caring about their fellow human beings, just like the real Tiger Woods!
However, if Tiger Woods does not allow the use of his likeness for the game, Plan B involves the development of the most realistic golf video game in history. In this title, gamers will play a fat, rich, racist businessman who only plays golf to hang out with other fat, rich, racist businessmen. Also, in-game editing allows gamers to fully customize the golf courses they play on, down to the race of the minorities working on the plantation country club!
Hockey
Let’s face it, the last time Americans cared about hockey was when the US lost to Canada in the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. If you want a hockey video game to be popular, it’s got to appeal to the rest of the country like never before. It’s time for EA Extreme Hockey. This new title does away with all the distracting strategy, technique, and goal scoring of hockey, and lets the gamer experience everyone’s favorite part of the sport, fighting! Instead of actually competing against another team for points, hockey games will be decided by one-on-one rumbles between players. To make the fights more interesting, players won’t have to wear regulation pads and helmets. Instead, they only have to wear shorts and grappling gloves. In addition, a new feature allows fighting to take place inside of an octagon canvas ring as opposed to a boring old ice rink.
Mixed Martial Arts
With franchises like the UFC and WEC, MMA games have taken the fighting game industry by storm. Who would’ve thought that anyone would play a fighting game that didn’t involve special attacks? With THQ’s UFC Unidistputed 2010 out now and EA’s EA Sports MMA set for release this fall, I think that a third title will inject some more healthy industry competition. A third title by the name of MMA: Massive Male Asskicking. While MMA may not have secured as much fighter licensing as other mixed martial art games, this title will have features that the other two franchises wish they had.
Instead of beating your opponent until they tap out or until the referee intervenes, why not just kill your opponent? And why does it have to be hand-to-hand combat? MMA will allow gamers to use weapons in their fights, from samurai swords, to AK-47s, to rocket launchers. Speaking of restrictions, why do your fights have to be contained in a tiny octagon? Thanks to the developers, MMA will allow players to fight anywhere while exploring major areas like New York City, Miami, and the entire state of California! No need to worry about lining up fights, because you can walk up to and fight anyone and everyone. Worried that you have to walk through all those locales? Now way! Every player will be able to steal any vehicle in the sandbox-style game. And in the event that fighting ever gets boring, MMA players will get to complete a series of missions that support a rich storyline. As mind-blowing as this whole project sounds, I’m actually more surprised that no one’s thought of this before!
If EA truly knows quality, I expect job offers lining up at my door.
JUAN ESCALANTE 