Revamp our video games.

I think that today’s sports video games lack the authenticity of the real professional game. Therefore, I suggest that sports video games should really capture the realism of the professional athletic life. So no more making a custom player that looks like you and maxing out all of his stats in order to be a “big money baller” every single game. It’s time to revamp our sports games for the future!

Here’s a few suggestions for some of the most popular franchises:

To give the game a more realistic player experience, the overall course of a career could be influenced by the simple characteristics of a custom player. If a player is from Japan, he would have an upper middle class childhood, work his way from high school to pro-ball, then land straight into the Major Leagues with his very own interpreter. Dominican players will grow up poverty-stricken using a dried wad of chewing gum as a ball, scrape a meager existence as a local professional, and will be dropped into the US Minor Leagues barely speaking English.
A new feature, once a player is in the Majors he gets to play fun new minigames like “Quick Prick”, where gamers get to interactively inject all of the performance enhancing drugs missing from virtual baseball. Watch out for “DL… Like Hell!”, a reflex challenge where your player has to avoid all of the stupid injuries that land real players on the real disabled list. Don’t sprain your arm while putting on a shirt!

Recent developments in professional basketball have given free agents more leverage in determining the balance of the league. That’s why I’m suggesting NBA 2K11: Free Agency, an edition that really captures the arrogant annoyance of unemployed rich people conniving to make the competition tougher for every other player that didn’t go pro straight out of high school. Future NBA 2K titles will give gamers the bonus of unlimited fouls on teams filled with the aforementioned former free agents. And you can be sure that the NBA 2K franchise will feature color commentary by a CGI avatar of Charles Barkley. That way, couch potato gamers won’t feel so bad about themselves and their fake athletic achievements.
To add a brand new dimension of history to the series, new titles will feature a special “1900 Mode”, taking the gamer all the way back to the origins of the sport of basketball. This mode focuses on the players’ skills in the fundamentals, eliminating the need for the distracting athleticism of today’s game. Who needs Kobe Bryant and LeBron James when you can play with Edwin P. Ruggles and Lyman Archibald?!

Let’s be realistic, NFL’s best players rarely ever play every single game. There’s a universal rule to professional football: the more high-profile a player is, the greater the chance of him getting in trouble. So if a gamer makes his custom player a wide receiver, a running back, or a quarterback, he will be charged with either sexual harassment, illegal possession of a weapon, or assault-and-battery. On the other hand, if the gamer’s custom man is a place kicker, he’ll be treated to a consistent and trouble-free career at the expense of a thanklessly low salary.
But don’t worry, the fun doesn’t stop if a player goes to jail. The gamer will have to protect the chances of his player continuing his career when he gets released. Or if he gets released. Introducing “Jailhouse Mode”, a collection of challenges designed to test a player’s survival in the slammer while improving his skills for the field. An offensive player will have no problem gripping the ball and getting through a tough defense after he’s dodged countless shankings without dropping the soap! Plus, compared to prison, the homo-eroticism of football won’t seem so weird.

Watch out for these future titles for the holiday season!

2 Replies to “Revamp our video games.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: