Fail + Fail = No Fail

I’ve seen single fails. I’ve seen double fails, even triple fails. But I’ve never seen a fail intersect with another fail. Now I have, and now I know that fails can cancel each other out. Mind-blowing stuff.

Revamp our video games. Part 2

Last time, I went over some suggestions on video games for some of America’s biggest pastimes: Baseball, Basketball, and making fat people Football. This time around, I’m offering some ideas for video games for sports that aren’t as popular in America as the Big Three. I think we need to tap these markets if America wants to undeniably dominate sports video gaming.

Soccer is a sport of passion, and to emulate the many emotions of the beautiful game, in-game players will portray the exact mannerisms of their real-life likenesses. From the sluggish roundness of Wayne Rooney to the immature foul mouth of Nicolas Anelka, gamers will finally get to experience their favorite players first hand (and become extremely annoyed shortly after.) Plus, the latest developments in graphics technology now allow players a fuller visual experience of greasy douchebags like Cristiano Ronaldo and… the entire Italian national team. Continue reading “Revamp our video games. Part 2”

The Army totally wants me.

After much consideration, I have decided to join the military. I’ve decided to forgo college life for now so that I may serve my country in the best way possible. Granted, I didn’t graduate from the academies at West Point, Annapolis, or New London. Neither did I receive an MPA from Harvard or Princeton. I don’t have a single award or decoration remotely related to the military. I can’t run two miles in 13min 40 sec. I can’t do 100 sit-ups in 2 minutes. I can’t even do 68 push-ups in 2 minutes. I have absolutely no experience with any kind of advanced weaponry. I can’t survive in armed combat whatsoever. The one time I ever went paintballing, it only took a shot in the forearm to make me quit for the rest of the day. Heck, I’ve never even played Halo, Call of Duty, Counterstrike, Medal of Honor, or even Donkey Kong 64. I’m near-sighted, which I guess will probably be an issue. Plus I probably lack the firm resolve of an actual soldier. So, if anyone is concerned about my decision, they have no need to be. Due to current conditions in US military policy, all the feats and achievements that I’ve previously mentioned might just be unnecessary. Apparently, the one surefire way to stay in the military is to not be gay. That’s right, I have a better chance at serving a longer army career than the actual West Point cadet that actually ran 2 miles in 13:40, did 100 sit-ups in 2 min, and 68 push-ups in the same time. She (that’s right, she) can’t serve because she’s gay, but I’m not. So I guess I can join, right?

Nothing gay here.

Revamp our video games.

I think that today’s sports video games lack the authenticity of the real professional game. Therefore, I suggest that sports video games should really capture the realism of the professional athletic life. So no more making a custom player that looks like you and maxing out all of his stats in order to be a “big money baller” every single game. It’s time to revamp our sports games for the future!

Here’s a few suggestions for some of the most popular franchises:

To give the game a more realistic player experience, the overall course of a career could be influenced by the simple characteristics of a custom player. If a player is from Japan, he would have an upper middle class childhood, work his way from high school to pro-ball, then land straight into the Major Leagues with his very own interpreter. Dominican players will grow up poverty-stricken using a dried wad of chewing gum as a ball, scrape a meager existence as a local professional, and will be dropped into the US Minor Leagues barely speaking English.
A new feature, once a player is in the Majors he gets to play fun new minigames like “Quick Prick”, where gamers get to interactively inject all of the performance enhancing drugs missing from virtual baseball. Watch out for “DL… Like Hell!”, a reflex challenge where your player has to avoid all of the stupid injuries that land real players on the real disabled list. Don’t sprain your arm while putting on a shirt!

Continue reading “Revamp our video games.”

America 1, Canada 0

It’s official. The United States of America has officially struck a blow against our dreaded neighbor of the North. We’ve finally taken a stand after Canada has invaded our land and reaped innumerable success. Mike Meyers, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Steve Nash… But no more! While it is only a water bottle hurled at singing hairball Justin Bieber, I think we’ve made serious progress. Now all we need is a publicly-funded Aqua Projectile Defense Force. Get on that, President Obama!